The fifth stage of Dr. Jennifer Martin’s seven-stage iteration for chronic illness is “Loss of Self and Confusion.” I chose to label that box “Identity Crisis.”
Does this disorder or illness change who we are? No, but it may change how we think about ourselves, our capabilities, our lifestyle, our hobbies, and occupations. Once again, I have to sort through all the feelings about what makes me who I am. Mother, grandmother, wife, sister, daughter are titles that don’t change. But the other titles related to what I can do are the ones in flux.
CRPS/RSD
This time, the identity crisis part of the grief cycle is less ponderous. I am already retired, so I have no career issues. But I have lost most of my hobbies, at least temporarily. My life consists of therapy, rest, therapy, rest, doctor appointment, rest. So not being able to fit in time for hobbies has minimized the pain of not able to think well enough to do my genealogy volunteer work, do cross-stitch, sew, or crochet. I know it just hasn’t hit yet rather than I have passed this stage.
Loss of Physical Strength
My days of being an athlete are many years behind me. I stopped swimming at a competitive level in high school. Arthritis ended my downhill skiing while I was still a young adult. But moving to Texas limited my opportunities for skiing as well. So far, the loss of strength is not at a stage that I feel a change in who I am.
Mental Fog
This hits home. I spent my career at NASA as an engineer first in simulation and later in space flight software. Throughout my career, I was called upon to work in process improvement as I seemed to have a knack for seeing where and how changes would help rather than hinder progress. Since retirement, I have been working on improving my skills in genealogy from hobbyist towards professional standards. But now I can’t always remember the meanings of simple things – like counting.
Travel Restrictions
My friends call me “World Traveler.” They ask me to post photos and descriptions of all my travels so they can experience the places they can’t go to. Is it now my turn to watch others rather than travel myself? I am not sure I am ready for that yet.
